This week I will be graduating from my course at Dublin City University with a 2.1 B.A. degree. Even contemplating saying that sentence about three years ago would have made me giggle with excitement but right now all I'm feeling is an overwhelming sense of being underwhelmed. Am I even making any sense? The thing is, as the ceremony gets closer and closer I can't help but wish I could just stop time for a while. I really and truly do not want to graduate.
My experience of University wasn't amazing but it wasn't terrible either. After falling out with one of my best friends in first year and another left the course, second year taught me a lot about myself. I didn't have a steady "group" of friends in my course and so a lot of the time felt quite alone on campus, which, for someone who finds it easy to make friends, is a very scary thing. I got heavily involved in society life, in particular the DCU Harry Potter Society which made me fall in love with university and life on campus. DCU's society life is possibly the best thing about the university and I would recommend studying at DCU just for its clubs and societies alone.
But this isn't why I'm dreading graduation. Yes, I'm sad to say goodbye to the 12pm starts and the free pizza and the fact that making a documentary was considered "classwork", but I respect that all of that was part of an experience in life that can only last a certain amount of time and I should let it go when it's time to let it go. I'm dreading graduation because it feels to me like it's life's way of rubbing it in my face that I'm not employed in the field that I want yet. It's like a giant ceremony where life reminds me that I'm currently working full time in a retail job which I absolutely despise and has me in tears frequently. Lately all I've been seeing are Facebook posts and LinkedIn updates from my classmates about amazing jobs they've gotten in places I could only dream of.
A few weeks ago I went for an interview in one of Ireland's leading PR companies and it went horribly bad. The interviewer basically told me mid-interview that I wasn't getting the job but that they appreciated my effort. Since then I've lost my fire when applying for jobs and with every other rejection email I get I feel my confidence getting lower and lower and lower. My whole life I've been an enthusiastic and confident person but since leaving university I feel myself sinking into myself and I'm not happy any more. I watched my boyfriend walk from university into a job in RTE (Ireland's biggest broadcaster) and I am so proud of him, he deserves it so much. But I can't help but ask; when is it my turn? How many emails or video applications or online tests do I have to do before someone will say that they want me in their company? What's even worse is that I've encountered a few internships that I would kill to have but because they are unpaid I can't even consider applying for them.
I feel like this whole post is just one big moan after the other but I have to vent my frustration at the situation I'm in. The sooner it gets to my graduation, the more I don't want to attend. I feel like there's no point in accepting my degree or celebrating with my family because the next day I'll still be going back to working 9-4 in a job I hate, and then spending the rest of my day applying for jobs and internships which I'll get rejected from anyway. Standing up there accepting my degree from the president of DCU is going to make me feel like a sham because I'm really starting to believe that I'll never use my degree in my career. Maybe I was never meant to have a career in my chosen field.
Reading back on this post is super depressing and so I'm sorry if you've made it this far but hopefully my next post will be a bit happier, and hopefully someday in the near future I'll be posting about how amazing my career is. Hopefully.
Talk soon, Erica.
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